Opening the doors…
For those of you who are not familiar with the way I Domme, some of these types of things may sound foreign: “meeting in the front room of a club” “locking down the club” “My house of Muse”.
I shall reveal them to you because today’s post is about the longing for continued growth.
My experience as a Domme started online. It is currently still online only. I have only just been comfortable with embracing some of the things I wish to do in my life, online… But recently I’ve felt a desire to continue forward movement and perhaps try in small steps, the real world aspect of it all.
The problem however is two fold. One, no subs in real life. Two, my own body image issues. Being a Domme for me (or so I thought) previously meant that I had to be strong and domineering and for all intents and purposes, neraly omnipotent 24/7. It TERRIFIED me because I know I’m human, I’m emotional, I’m sensual, feminine, soft and a whole host of other things.
To unveil a little bit more about me, I will tell you this. I’m studied psychlogy in college, I have a gift of deep empathy mong other things, and I’m a student everyday of the dynamics of people. I know how men work, I know how women work. That’s not to say i wont be surprised in life, I expect that I will never always be comfortable in my knowledge. But for right now, I know the biggest problem for me not just in being a Domme in real life but finding a partner (sub/partner or otherwise) in real life is:
a. How I view myself
b. How men view me (and yes even women… )
These two things alone, those small little words just above will make it difficult for me to move into the realm I wish to move into. But I’m committed to pushing. It makes me nervous, sometimes even queasy to think of putting myself out there again and doing so with the intention specifically of finding someone like Mystress’s Paladin because I know before I find something that perfect for me, I will have many stumblings along the way and they will hurt.
I wont stop my journey. But I do take pause today and take a couple of deep breathes, because as this thought, this desire to grow further becomes more prominent for me… I know I’ll need all the oxygen I can possibly have.
DM
Dear Muse… Thank you first for the lovely posts you leave on our blog. We are both deeply touched by your comments.
Going from cyber to reality does take time and care. My Knight and I had met some different folks over the years to consider for our polyamory third in the triad we wanted to have. We met some different sorts of folks before one we found we liked and had for a couple of years before he moved.
I had also met several different Master’s or Dom’s back when I was looking during submissive time.
I had one male slave I shared with My Mistress (he was a potential sub for her, but he and I got on much better and she thought it would be good for me to try it then) He got ill with cancer, as well as I simply wasn’t inclined to beat and humiliate him the way that he wanted Me to. He is better and now happily married to someone who tans him much more then I ever could, and we are all good friends.
But when I decided (with the support and strong encouragement of My Knight) to find a straight, single male submissive, Paladin was the only one I met in person. That was after some 5 months of looking. I came close with others, but it never seemed to quite feel right. Because of the sort of sub that I was looking for, it took a long while. I had a variety of different sorts ask if I would do a variety of things. What I found, was that many of them were more inspired by their own desires for fulfillment sexually then being of service for a Mystress.
Perhaps.. some of it does go back to Paladin’s upbringing. But as I reflected with him last nite, he is the first man I have ever met who is really not obsessed with his own orgasm. Paladin would rather give Me one ( or 5 or more) then receive his own. Although..because we use so much sensual energy together he says that he can feel it from Me and that does affect him. As well as I have trained him to have energy orgasms. (smiles)
But it took time and courage on both are parts. I’ll write about this some on the blog later tonight. We were both the first we had met in this capacity. But.. I had gotten to know his mind online through letters and chat. And once that connection was made.. I believe we would have had to be trolls vs orcs for either of us to turn away at that point.
It is true that sometimes, you think you know before you meet someone.. and then, well.. it falls apart.
But.. but.. .nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worth the chance of NOT meeting the right one in person Muse.. take that daring step.. believe in your connection once you have it. After writing and chatting with so many… lets just call them ‘inappropriate’ applicants for My sub there were times I stopped looking all together. But.. like Paladin.. something drove Me to try yet again. Much like deep sea fishing for a specific species of fish. you pull up lots of other things first. But.. that afternoon.. when Paladin stood up in the restaurant to meet Me.and we looked at each other.. and felt the energy.. it was… for Me.. instant connection. And later.. when he actually knelt to Me in reality.. well Muse… My heart could have dropped through all 3 floors of his apt building.
I have not looked back once. Even when we have simply mundane times, that connection and his submission is always, always present. He is still stubborn, (and I like him that way some) but it is mostly in regards to anything he thinks will be an inconvenience to Me.
The long and short of it is.. don’t stop your quest. You will know the right one when it happens. Be forewarned.. the first time that right slave kneels and offers you their total submission in real time.. is a gasket blower! (smiles)
Wishing you all the very best,
Mystress
Mystress said this on May 17, 2008 at 12:29 am
posted in your blog also, just wanted to be sure you saw it
)
Mystress,
Thank you for your kind words. It is an ongoing daily struggle for me and somedays are better than others.
I can sit and think all day long, “What would I do in reality, what wouldn’t I do?” and still not have a suitable answer. The problem in that, is my upbringing.
Being raised catholic, even with my rebellion and embracing pagan ways, still puts me in a different mindset sometimes. The open part of my mind recognizes this importance of this direction for me. The catholic part of my mind is screaming about damnation lol. If there is one thing I walked away from the catholic church with, it was a well cemented guilt complex
I do believe however, that if the right “paladin” came along, in small steps, stumbling sometimes even, this direction can be pushed forward for me. I look forward to that.
As always, thank you for your comment. I do so love to read what either of you have to say.
Be well,
DM
Dominant Muse said this on May 19, 2008 at 12:52 pm